I felt cheated into everything, like suddenly my life was meant to be a protest by those who never cared to take the time to notice me. I felt like I had done a significant amount of destruction to myself, and everyone else owed me some sort of a recognition for it. I found myself stranded down a long dark road, lonely and abandoned. And as more and more time passed, I began to feel like this tragedy of a life would never end. I felt like time was ticking, and as the days passed the only option was to give up. How could someone ever look at this world with a sense of love and purity? It sickened me to see others happy, everyone needed to wake up too see the world for the horrible place it truly was. I promised myself never again to believe in anything other than hate. After all, life was all a lie and death was just another promise we all had to keep someday. This is the lie that consumed my whole body and set a flame inside me, which quickly burned my soul. It started off as a hatred for my circumstance, then myself, then the world. There is physical pain, emotional pain, and then the pain you can’t realize- the deadliest kind. The kind that slowly kills you inside without even noticing it. It is the silent killer everyone faces, and very few are lucky enough to stand up to it. I was one of these very, very fortunate people.
I started off hating my circumstance. In the summer of 2011 I was diagnosed with a very serious lung infection. I spent a total of two weeks in the hospital, along with two surgeries involving a chest tube, PICC line, along with tons of IV’s. Being only twelve years old, it’s not really the way I dreamed about spending my summer. This was where everything started. Then- I began to hate myself. I hated even after I recovered, I still felt like it was unfair someone like me had to go through something like that. Then just like that, I began hating the world. I hated people in general, my friends, teachers, even my family at times. I felt like no one really cared about how I felt on the inside, even though I never spoke up and told anyone. I developed severe anxiety that eventually progressed into a deep state of depression. I was emotionally drained and over months things only got worse, I became extremely antisocial as I began to isolate myself. Why couldn’t I be like other kids my age? What was wrong with me? I had no social life, I felt like there was nobody to relate too anymore. All I wanted to do was be alone, and I turned to music as a form of comfort. I began searching for music that matched what I felt inside, because all I knew was I felt empty, depressed, and tired. I remember just being so, so tired. But sure enough I found what I was looking for, and it only it fueled my emotions. Looking back, I believe music can be either a medicine or a poison, the difficult thing is recognizing which before it’s too late.
It wasn’t long before I started to become extremely suicidal, I was walking around in my own self pity everyday, and it was killing me on the inside. It was the slow, silent death I never noticed. I was worn out on life. I was sick of the routine, waking up in the morning only to spend all day wishing that I didn’t. I searched for happiness and fulfillment in all the wrong places, I was running out of time as death weighed heavy on my shoulders.
I was too the point where the thought of killing myself seemed acceptable, it seemed normal to me. I didn’t know the value of life itself, let alone my own. This is where people begin believing the lie about suicide. You fantasize about something so much to the point where you view it as a rational choice. This is the lie that has taken the lives of too many, because there is a war you wage and a life after death that suicide will not prevent. There is a war over our hearts and souls that the enemy will do anything to destroy.
This was me- just existing. Years had passed and I had hid rock bottom, and built a house there. “So what now?” I asked myself. I had questioned the existence of a god, even though all my life I attended church and claimed to believe in the existence of one. Although this just didn’t seem to fit. How could God just let me keep living like this, in a constant state of emptiness? There had too be something more than this. What was my purpose, if I even had one? I cried myself to sleep most nights, but something happened by what I believe to be divine intervention. I came home from school late one afternoon, it had been another awful day spend feeling worthless and empty. I went straight to my room with tears in my eyes. This wasn’t how life was supposed to be lived- wishing you were dead. I had a swarm of demons whispering in my ear for me to just end it all. There had been times I took bottles full of pills and poured them out all over my bed, grabbing handfuls and fantasizing about what would happen to me if I forced them down my throat. There had been other times I would lay in my bathtub underwater, testing my lungs. Many times I had worked myself up only to decide that I couldn’t hurt my family in the way that I had been hurting myself. But this time I had just had enough, I didn’t want to be miserable anymore. I feel on my knees crying out, thinking,“God if you’re real take me away! I don’t want to live like this anymore!”. As I curled into a ball on my bedroom floor, there was a soft feeling of comfort that came over me. Although I still didn’t understand- there were so many questions. As I would usually do, I turned to music. I opened up YouTube and a video came up of the testimony of one of the singers I had recently began listening too. I hadn’t ever heard it before, but when I started listening it blew my mind.
She spoke exactly how I felt, word for word. She knew what it felt like to want all the pain and aching to go away. When she was sixteen she experienced divine intervention as she describes here. I had never heard anything like it before, the truth and sincerity I heard in her voice was unlike anything I’d ever been introduced too. The night the enemy tried to get me too take my own life- this video found its way too me. If it wasn’t for YAH’s hand in leading me too Him, beginning with this testimony, I’m not sure that I would even be here today. Miraculous things happened to me, all beginning with that hospital stay. For over five years I battled with demons, I questioned why I should even go on. But looking back I see the divine intervention of Yahuah Himself. If it wasn’t for Him I wouldn’t have made it out of that emergency room. If it wasn’t for Him I wouldn’t have the faith I have today. I wouldn’t have met and testified to so many people over the years. We don’t always understand the pain, the heartbreak, the tragedy. But Yahuah sees it all and He knows what breaks our hearts. He is truly the only one who can bring restoration to all things.
Today I stand with YAHUAH and YAHUSHA as my joy. My joy is not in my friends, my family, not in a band or anything materialistic. My joy is in the one who saved my life, the one who continually forgives me even AFTER deciding to give my life to Him. Even when I still fall short, He is always there with arms open wide. Knowing our Creator is a journey that begins with a desire in our heart. This life is only temporary, death is momentary, but eternity is forever. Today you have to make the decision, because Yahusha told us we can only serve one master. I have decided to serve the lover of my soul that radically saved me from the bottomless pit I thought I would never escape.
I will serve Him and praise His name forever, because of His marvelous love.
“I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of יהוה in the land of the living.”-Psalms 27:13
My perspective on life had changed as the dawn finally broke through and the sun began to shine. I came out of my state of depression, suicide, and emptiness into a season of searching for my purpose, after believing the lie for many years that I didn’t have one. I began to acknowledge that I was not born by accident and that my existence was not a coincidence. As I began to revisit the thought of a higher being, all of my seeking brought me back to one book.
“In the beginning Elohim created the heavens and the earth.” Genesis 1:1
This was it, it really was this simple. I began to see the Creator in all of creation from the smallest of them to the largest. From the way the grass blew in the wind- to the way the birds sang. Once I realized how simple belief was my eyes were stripped of my naive ignorance and I was able to experience the meaning of joy. I was a baby and this was a whole new world, exciting yet overwhelming.
But in December of 2015, for the first time, I realized the urgency of the times. September 27th, I was laying in bed and it all hit me at once:
The Messiah was coming back- and soon.
I began to frantically panic knowing that if he returned that moment I would not be prepared. I was not living the righteous lifestyle I knew I had to be living and things had to change, I had to prepare. I dived into the word seeking what needed to change in my life- I was willing to do whatever it took to be part of His bride. I had began to attend the church I grew up in again, still searching for answers. For 6th months day by day I read the word, praying, seeking, worshiping, attending church and attentively listening to every sermon. I was hungry for more as once-a-week sermons and a daily Proverb were not enough. I found myself in the book of Matthew.
The book of Matthew opened my eyes to a whole new revelation through the parable of the wheat and the tares. I was beginning to understand the sword the Messiah came to bring, dividing the wicked from the righteous. I needed to know more- what did I need to do to become the wheat? But the stumbling blocks were still there: the worldly friendships, music, clothing, mentality, mindset- how could I ever escape it all? My old life seemed to consume me and weigh me down no matter how hard I tried to escape from it. I was desperate for an escape to be cleansed and walk the narrow road. I began to eliminate the stumbling blocks in my life, whether they were materialistic or people. It was not worth sacrificing my faith to compromise with worldliness.
Can I be real for a moment?
It was not ‘easy’, and it was not always pretty. It was like trying to squeeze juice out of a rotten lemon, trying to produce fruit from a dried fruit tree. I was doing the same thing everyday and getting the same results- crying myself too sleep. I had a burden inside me for those whom I knew were trapped behind the iron bars of depression, feeling locked inside the confinements of self worth. A night didn’t go by that I didn’t think think about those dark times, the countless tears shed. This was the process of letting go and moving on. It is by no means easy, it is by no means pretty. But this is the process that each and every one of us must go through, we must die to our self in order to resurrect with Him.